Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
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The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?