Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
You Might Also Like
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Ok, but like, how married are you?
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent: