Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
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Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
When the ‘calling about your car crash in the last five years’ scammers phone I try and keep them on the line as long as possible. One time, bored on my commute, I set a record of 26 mins 22 seconds. My life’s work will be to try and beat that.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.