Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
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Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
ok like just. call me at this point
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”