Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
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WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
Noted.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
🤣✨#caturday