making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
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When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Is this a threat?
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.