making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
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The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
If you love someone, let them sleep.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.