Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
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You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here