If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
You Might Also Like
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
thinking about that time they found a cat sleeping with a baby who’d been abandoned in a box in the cold and everyone was like “omg the cat saved the baby 🥺” but like…I’m prettyyyyy sure the cat was just there for the box
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat