If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
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[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
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Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!