Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
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So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!