One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
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Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*