We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
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I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
found my next D&D character name
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
waiting for halloween be like:
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*