I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
bury ourselves