NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
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My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Who.
Did.
This?
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
wtf is an acronym
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes