On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here