My back has gone out more than I have this year.
You Might Also Like
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”