“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
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I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
This anagram machine is out of order.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture