Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
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Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.