Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
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Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Wedding planning is organized crime.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*