interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
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12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.