Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.