Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
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I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I love the National Park Service.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type