scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
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Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
*puts my mental health in rice
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.