if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
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Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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.
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I still have Pringles?
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.