Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
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until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?