My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
You Might Also Like
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My purse is deeper than some people.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
nature’s most graceful animal
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny