I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
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I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.