accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
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What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.