You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
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There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.