Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?