Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
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Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.