I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
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May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Um … Hot Wings please
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Beware of fowl play.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas