I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
#merica
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10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
buys donuts instead
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.