I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no