I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
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With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
It was worth a shot 😂
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I only eat vegetarians.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !