Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
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if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
this post was so formative to me
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Merry Christmas
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
The three genders.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection