Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
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Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.