date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
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*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Thanks to Sesame Street, I grew up thinking that Americans had a particular problem with counting.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.