I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
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what could possibly go wrong?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Finally!
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.