Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
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*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma