Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
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Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon