Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
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[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.