the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
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me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I’m awake but I object,
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.