She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
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overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now