wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
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The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast