I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
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Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.