hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
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LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.