If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
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if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.