*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
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[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said