The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
You Might Also Like
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
And that about sums it up.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Today I noticed there is a newish gym right across the street from my office and thought “hey maybe I would work out between meetings” so I googled it. $230 a month. I laughed and laughed and laughed. Enough that it was probably an ab workout.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along