Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
You Might Also Like
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
when you don’t want to be too vague
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Dune (2021)
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
early stone age tool
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog