It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
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*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
figuring out my emotional availability:
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.