If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
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Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Donkey Kong sommelier
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.